tonight another chapter in my life has ended…
how does one fill the void that has been left wide open as a result of a break up. The answer is I wont, there is no substitute for the moment that you have shared with another person, the feelings and the experience should be unique, undiluted by anger or grudges. Tonight I am faced with another fork in the road, without the person I have shared the last three years with. It doesnt matter who’s fault it is or who is the one to blame, the bottom line is, circumstances has prevailed, anger and frustration is too huge of an emotion to overcome this time.
The words are still ringing in my ear- “it’s over!”. I accept it, Im mature enough to know when something needs to be let go, there are no regrets, why should there be…it is too late for regrets. Im happy to be left with the memories, the good memories.
I’m writing about this because I want to remember exactly how it feels, the empty feeling, the state of total shock. No tears have fallen, no looking out my window and wondering what could have been. Just numbness. No lump in the throat, sinking and profound sadness. Perhaps it will come later. I’ve felt that before, it is heart rending and unfortunately it is also inevitable. But first I think a period of denial will set in, for how long; only time will tell.
I’ve seen the worst of what a break-up can do to someone. I hope I have learnt enough not to fall in the same trap. I will work my ass off, do the normal things that I do, see the friends that I see and talk to the same people that I do.
Some people say that when angry, things are said even though they didnt mean it. I disagree, I think it during this moment the truth comes out because the politeness has gone out the window and feeling of being careful about the things you say is no longer there. I take note of what is said when someone is angry, especially if it is someone I care about. It is during this time that truth comes out regarding what they exactly think of you. Tonight I heard all of that. I heard the things that she was too polite to say. I believed her. I know she will do better without me and I would rather see her as being successful without knowing that in the back of her mind she thinks Im holding her back. I’m not perfect and I have never claimed myself to be. I thought she knew that, I thought that it is because of my imperfections she has learnt to live with and know it is a part of me. I did my best, I loved her as much as my heart is capable of.
In the near future someone else will take care of her and hopefully will do a better job that what I did because what I had to give didnt seem to be good enough. For now I will go to sleep, I will breathe in and out, I’ll let the tears fall if needed and cope with the heartache…
I know what you’re thinking…not a another “drama blog entry” and if I were you, I would click “Next”. I gave up being emotional a long time ago. Tears and the familiar throbbing pain in the chest has become all but a distant memory to me, I choose not to become a victim of it, too much effort and for what? Not a god damn thing!
I learnt the hard way. But now I know better, all I wish for now is that she stops haunting me in my dreams…